Estimated reading time: 7 minutes
Erin and I have counseled many couples and know they want to grow a healthy marriage but struggle over topics like leadership and submission.
Those are important questions, but it seems couples struggle to find answers. Both culture and the Bible offer ideas about leadership in the home. So, let’s compare the two and find answers that you and your spouse can use to strengthen your marriage.
What does culture say about leadership in Marriage?
Erin and I were talking with a couple and heard them mention a phrase that was new to us: “Red-pilled manhood.” The idea comes from the 1999 movie, The Matrix, in which the main character knows there is more to his life than he’s been told. But he faces a choice from which there is no return: take a red pill and see the world as it really is or take a blue pill and continue the world he currently knows. He chooses the red pill and discovers the real world in all its ugliness. Because he now knows the truth, he must fight for survival.
It’s a compelling story and a groundbreaking movie. But not everyone saw it as a sci-fi tale. Some saw it as a reflection of reality and applied it to manhood. Their take is that men are oppressed and must fight to regain leadership.
Some of the messages from the red-pilled movement (also known as the “manosphere” – a group of online blogs, podcasts, videos, and chat groups) inspire men to change their attitudes toward life and work: “Aspire to be a superhero. Not a normal person with a bigger house and a nicer car,” and “I have to go to work today – change your language – I get to go to work today.”
Basic leadership messages, right?
But the content took a darker turn when it came to relationships. “Women are like cars. You can get a new one whenever you want, but you always want to keep the old one in good condition in case you need it again,” and “Women need to be protected from their own irrational impulses. They require guidance and discipline from men to keep them in line.”
Other messages urge men to dominate women and treat them as cheating, backstabbing, inferior beings.
That’s not leadership.
It’s definitely not biblical leadership.
Erin and I have counseled couples who have been affected by these damaging messages. We’ve also talked to couples who listened to others who have good intentions but recommend behaviors that cause more harm than help.
Is there a better option?
What does the Bible say about leadership in marriage?
God made man and woman and then brought them together in marriage. Since He designed marriage, it’s important to look at what He says about it in His Word.
The Origin of Our Power Struggles
Genesis 3:16 – To the woman He said, “I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain shall you bring forth children. Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you” (ESV).
- The consequence of sin is a continual struggle for power and control, resulting in unhealthy conflict and strife in the marriage.
- Wife: She will desire to control or have authority over the husband.
- Husband: He will respond by asserting dominance.
- This is a consequence, not a command. Genesis 3:16 doesn’t tell men to dominate women, rather it shows couples will struggle with discord.
- God’s original design for marriage was marked by unity, mutual support, and companionship.
- Biblical leadership calls for a return to God’s design. Ephesians 5:21-23 calls us to mutual love, respect, and self-sacrifice.
Biblical leadership requires Christ-like masculinity
Mark 10:43-44: “Whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all” (ESV).
- Strength is for service, not domination. Jesus modeled strength through humility and service. His example shows that true masculinity is about protecting and serving others, not controlling them.
- Leadership requires sacrifice. Biblical leadership is not about privilege or power, but sacrificial love. Husbands are called to love their wives, “just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25, ESV).
- Biblical leadership values women as co-heirs in Christ. Women are not conquests or subordinates, but “heirs with you of the gracious gift of life” (1 Peter 3:7, ESV).
Biblical leadership is powered by the fruit of the Spirit.
Galatians 5:22-23: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control” (ESV).
- Biblical leaders value character over cultural stereotypes. Husbands need to exercise the Fruit of the Spirit instead of aggression or dominance.
- Biblical leaders disciple themselves, not others. Godly leadership and masculinity focus on self-control, not others-control. In 1 Corinthians 9:27, the Apostle Paul said, “I disciple my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified” (ESV).
Biblical leadership rejects objectification and entitlement.
Ephesians 5:21: “Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ” (ESV).
- Godly men don’t treat women as objects or enemies. The “manosphere” and all its sinful, unhealthy teachings about manhood often sees women as either objects to be used and then thrown away or adversaries who want to seize control. Biblical leadership emphasizes respect, honor, and mutual submission (Ephesians 5:21-33).
- Biblical leadership is based on our identity in Christ, not our possessions. Genesis 1:27 says “God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them” (ESV). God – not status, wealth, or sexual conquests – defines us.
Biblical leaders pursue authentic community
Hebrews 10:25: “Not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near” (ESV).
- Godly leaders seek community and accountability through the local church. The church can provide honest, supportive relationships that affirm biblical values, not toxic attitudes.
- Biblical leadership encourages mentors and mentoring. The local church can also be a place where older, godly men invest in younger men and teach them to be like Christ.
Biblical leaders demonstrate purpose and stewardship.
Genesis 2:15: “The Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it” (ESV).
God gave the first man (Adam) a job and a purpose: to care for the garden He had made. God calls us to a similar role:
- Stewardship. We are to be wise stewards of the gifts and skills God has given – not to seek power and control – but to serve others as Christ served.
- Servant Leadership. As leaders, men are called to guide, nurture, and protect – not to dominate.
Biblical leaders find identity in Christ.
1 Peter 2:21: “For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps” (ESV).
- We are to live out the Gospel: Jesus called his followers to take up their crosses and “follow me” (Matthew 16:24, ESV). We seek transformation through Christ and His Word, not through the world’s ideologies.
- We are to reject cultural extremes. “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind,” Romans 12:2 (ESV) states. We seek transformation in God’s Word, not in the latest passing fad.
A CALL TO BIBLICAL LEADERSHIP
Biblical leadership is never easy. German theologian and martyr Deitrich Bonhoeffer said it best: “When Christ calls a man, He bids him come and die.” As a result, few choose to follow. But Christ has called men to die to self, seek God’s kingdom and His righteousness, and love our wives as He loved the church and gave himself for it.
Culture, the red pill, and the manosphere offer quick solutions and total control. It’s a tempting offer but it destroys relationships: our relationship with God and our spouse. It also turns us into petty tyrants who can neither give nor receive true love.
God’s way – biblical leadership – is a harder road to travel. It takes a lifetime. But “the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere” (James 3:17, ESV). These traits – not unyielding control and self-satisfaction – create strong, healthy leaders who empower and life up their wives and families.
